The Grief Anniversaries

Grief is hard.

It’s messy.

It comes in waves.

And sometimes you don’t see those waves coming.

I’m no expert on grief. But I have been walking my own grief journey for nearly 4 years.

On September 16, 2015 I lost the love of my life. It was and will forever be the worst day of my life.

I will share more of my story in a future post, but today I am riding a wave of grief.

In the weeks, days and minutes after he passed away, the waves were endless and relentless. I could barely catch my breath before another one hit.

I was drowning.

Today is different. Nearly four years later and I can sense the waves coming. I see them on the horizon, building as they make their way to shore.

They are the holidays. The birthdays. The day we shared our first kiss. Our first date. They are the “Grief Anniversaries.”

I always thought the anniversary of the day he died would be the most difficult day. And while it is hard, especially that first one, I find his birthday is when the wave hits hardest.

I don’t exactly why that is. Maybe it’s because he is supposed to be another year older and instead he is forever 27. Maybe it’s because we are supposed to be celebrating your day, not crying because we are without you. Maybe it’s because I never got a chance to celebrate this special day with you and now I never will.

With Saturday looming, I feel it in every inch of my body. I feel tense, stressed, agitated, emotional, quick to anger and cry over the smallest things.

I find it hard to explain to others, but I know why. I know the wave is almost here.

What I’ve learned though is that as much as we want to ignore them, these waves are unavoidable. We must stand there, our feet firm in the sand, and let them pass.

I already accept Saturday will be a difficult day. I acknowledge the wave is coming.

Instead of letting it knock me down, I vow to do something special for him. Something I know would make him smile. And make me smile, too.

Don’t avoid the wave. Run to it and feel every part of it, but don’t let it knock you down forever.

If you are experiencing a wave, or sense one coming, know that I am with you, sweet friend. I acknowledge your pain and pray for comfort.

Happy Birthday, Brock. #Forever27


Choose Joy.

Have you ever woken up in a bad mood? Maybe you slept badly. Or you are hungover. Worse yet — it’s Monday. Oh — and it’s raining.

Yes, that kind of day.

The bad mood you wake up in can carry with you throughout the day. Unless, you decide to change it and choose joy.

It’s a decision.

A conscious effort you have to make every single day.

And it’s not easy.

But let me be the first to tell you, there are worse things that can happen to you than being hungover on a rainy Monday morning after sleeping badly the night before.

Choosing joy has been a mission for me these past few years. And I’ll be the first to admit, I have failed at that mission. A lot.

But in order for me to live, I need to choose joy. It’s not an option. It’s necessary.

This blog isn’t just for those who have lost someone and are dealing with the unbearable pain of grief. But if that is you, keep reading.

It’s for the person who is struggling to find the light in the dark.

The person who, for whatever reason, has lost hope.

I’m not a therapist and I don’t have a happy pill to make life better. But I can speak (and write) from experience that even when it feels like all hope is lost, there is a light.

And that’s what I plan to do with this blog.

To write what I feel, when I feel it, and pray that it will reach someone who needs to hear it. It’s a little terrifying to put your pain on paper and be vulnerable, but in my experience, it has only helped me in the process of my own grief journey.

Just like in my Facebook posts, what I write will be raw, real and honest. Some things will come from my everyday encounters. Other parts will be straight from the pages of my personal journal, to help you see that where you are now in your hurt and pain is not where you will be forever.

Thank you to my friends and family who gave me the encouragement to do this. Here goes nothing! #ChooseJoy

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Love, L.