Back to the grief

This week, I sat with a friend in the hospital as her husband lay dying in the next room.

He had overdosed and was clinging to life. A few days later he passed away.

She sat there for days, not knowing whether he would live or die, and then, had to come to grips with the reality that he was never coming back.

Most people would say, “I can’t even imagine,” but the reality is, I can and I do.

Looking at her, I saw me.

I saw me 4 years ago, after I just received the news that would knock the wind out of me and change my life.

I looked at her and I felt the instant ache in my heart, the breath you can’t catch, the overwhelming emptiness.

I looked at her and felt the pain in her pleading eyes, desperate for answers. Desperate for him to come back.

I felt every emotion, because I have lived it.

I have always hated to see people I love in pain, but this – this is the worst. I think it’s because you know the pain they are experiencing, but you also know it’s going to get worse.

You know that the weeks and months will pass and the friends that were there with you every waking moment in the beginning will move on with their lives. You know the horrible, aching feeling of waking up in the middle of the night thinking it was a terrible dream, only to be slapped in the face by reality when your hand reaches across the bed and comes up empty. You know the lonely nights to come. The anger. The guilt. The feeling of wanting to die, too.

It’s like it was yesterday.

And now, here I am, sitting in silence next to my friend in the hospital thinking to myself, “how did I ever survive this?”

It’s something I ask myself often, but the only thing that matters is that I did. And I am. And that’s all she needs to know. That I am still here. That I did not break. That I have incredible faith in God. That He carried me through this and He will do the same for her.

Love, L.

Woke up cuz the light poured in
Day 2 let the flood begin
Day 1 left me in my bed
I can barely remember it
Heart shattered in a thousand ways
They tell me pain gonna come in waves
They tell me I’m gonna be okay
I’m still waiting for the first to break

Why would You give and then take him away
Suddenly end could You not let it fade
What I would give for a couple of days
A couple of days

Toby Mac – 21 Years 

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