A new rug won’t cover up the grief

For the majority of my adult life I’ve lived in apartments. Tiny apartments.

Studios and one bedrooms. My first one was less than 420 sq. feet. Yikes!

I’ve been living in the same place for the past 4.5 years and I felt like I needed some change. New scenery. Oh — and more space.

So a couple of weeks ago I moved into a little 2-bedroom house. It’s a rental (commitment phobe) but I love it. It’s the perfect size for me and my sweet pup. The only problem is I need to fill it! Which really isn’t a problem at all because it involves shopping for new stuff!

As soon as I moved in I wanted to buy everything. New rugs, furniture, paintings — I wanted it all! I’ve been scouring Facebook marketplace every morning and evening, walking into Target far too many times to count and studying paint colors on Pinterest like it’s my job.

It’s been fun, but what I realized it really has been is a distraction.

Last night I was sitting on my couch looking around at my new home when reality sunk in.

In 5 days it will be exactly 4 years since I got the phone call that rocked my world. The man I loved and planned to marry was gone forever, and there was absolutely nothing I could do.

It’s safe to say September 16th is a heavy day.

Sitting there looking around at my new home and new furniture, I realized all of this stuff was distracting me from the reality that the day I dread the most is almost here. Of course I knew it was coming, but I was desperate for a distraction.

The truth is that day is going to come whether I want it to or not. And it’s going to come again next year and the year after that and the year after that. I can distract myself all I want, but no amount of new rugs will cover up the grief.

And to be honest, I don’t think I want it to.

As much as I wanted — no, needed– a distraction, the truth is when I allow myself to grieve is when I feel closer to him than ever, even after all this time. I call it my grief blanket. Where it used to suffocate me, now it gives me comfort to wrap myself in it from time to time.

As Zig Ziglar once said, “The more we love a person we have lost, the greater our grief.” What a beautiful testimony to the loved ones who are no longer with us.

So friend, give yourself grace. Let yourself feel. You can distract yourself with shiny things, but grief will always be there. But so will the love.

Love, L.

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