The Grief Anniversaries

Grief is hard.

It’s messy.

It comes in waves.

And sometimes you don’t see those waves coming.

I’m no expert on grief. But I have been walking my own grief journey for nearly 4 years.

On September 16, 2015 I lost the love of my life. It was and will forever be the worst day of my life.

I will share more of my story in a future post, but today I am riding a wave of grief.

In the weeks, days and minutes after he passed away, the waves were endless and relentless. I could barely catch my breath before another one hit.

I was drowning.

Today is different. Nearly four years later and I can sense the waves coming. I see them on the horizon, building as they make their way to shore.

They are the holidays. The birthdays. The day we shared our first kiss. Our first date. They are the “Grief Anniversaries.”

I always thought the anniversary of the day he died would be the most difficult day. And while it is hard, especially that first one, I find his birthday is when the wave hits hardest.

I don’t know exactly why that is. Maybe it’s because he is supposed to be another year older and instead he is forever 27. Maybe it’s because we are supposed to be celebrating your day, not crying because we are without you. Maybe it’s because I never got a chance to celebrate this special day with you and now I never will.

With Saturday looming, I feel it in every inch of my body. I feel tense, stressed, agitated, emotional, quick to anger and cry over the smallest things.

I find it hard to explain to others, but I know why. I know the wave is almost here.

What I’ve learned though is that as much as we want to ignore them, these waves are unavoidable. We must stand there, our feet firm in the sand, and let them pass.

I already accept Saturday will be a difficult day. I acknowledge the wave is coming.

Instead of letting it knock me down, I vow to do something special for him. Something I know would make him smile. And make me smile, too.

Don’t avoid the wave. Run to it and feel every part of it, but don’t let it knock you down forever.

If you are experiencing a wave, or sense one coming, know that I am with you, sweet friend. I acknowledge your pain and pray for comfort.

Happy Birthday, Brock. #Forever27